All couples argue. Disagreements about money, family, chores, time and children are normal, and the stresses of nursing (fatigue, shift work, emotional strain) can make tempers shorter. Research on couples, including decades of work by psychologists John and Julie Gottman, suggests that what matters most is not whether you argue but how you argue, and how you repair afterwards.
Four habits that harm relationships
The Gottmans describe four patterns, which they call the “Four Horsemen”, that predict relationship breakdown:
| Harmful habit | Sounds like | Try instead |
|---|---|---|
| Criticism (attacking character) | “You never help. You’re so lazy.” | Gentle start-up: “I’m exhausted after nights. Could you do the dishes today?” |
| Contempt (mockery, eye-rolling, sarcasm) | “Oh, the great nurse is too tired again.” | Express appreciation and respect, even in disagreement |
| Defensiveness | “It’s not my fault, you’re the one who…” | Take responsibility for your part: “You’re right, I forgot.” |
| Stonewalling (shutting down) | Silence, walking away, scrolling the phone | Take a break and come back: “I need 20 minutes to calm down, then let’s talk.” |
Contempt is considered the most damaging. If you notice these patterns, you can change them.
Pick the right moment
- Not straight after a night shift. Exhaustion makes everyone more reactive. “Can we talk about this tomorrow after I’ve slept?” is a reasonable request, as long as you follow through.
- Not in front of children, in-laws or on the phone at work.
- When you’re both fed and calm.
Use “I” statements
Describe your feelings and needs rather than blaming: “I feel lonely when we don’t talk all week. I’d love us to have dinner together on my day off.” This invites a response instead of a counter-attack.
Listen to understand
Nurses are skilled at listening to patients; bring the same skill home. Let your partner finish. Reflect back what you heard: “So you feel I put work before you.” You don’t have to agree to show you understand.
Calm down when flooded
When your heart is racing and you feel overwhelmed, productive talk is almost impossible. Agree a signal to pause, take at least 20 minutes to do something calming (a walk, a prayer, breathing), and then return to the conversation.
Repair
Successful couples make repair attempts during and after conflict: a joke, a touch, an apology, “I’m sorry I raised my voice”. Accept your partner’s repair attempts too. Small gestures of kindness, appreciation and affection every day build a reserve of goodwill that helps you through hard times.
Not every problem gets solved
Some differences, of personality, background or habits, are lasting. Couples who do well learn to talk about them with humour and acceptance instead of trying to “win”.
When to get help
If arguments are constant, frightening, or never resolved, consider couples counselling, a trusted faith counsellor, or a mentor couple. If you ever feel afraid of your partner, see our guide on healthy relationships vs red flags.
More on love and relationships: Keeping your marriage strong through shift work · Money and marriage
Drawing on published research on couple relationships, including the work of the Gottman Institute. General information, not a substitute for counselling.