Nurses are trained to recognise domestic abuse in patients. But when it comes to our own relationships, love, hope, family pressure and shame can make the signs harder to see. WHO estimates that about 1 in 3 women worldwide experience physical or sexual violence in their lifetime, most often from an intimate partner, and men can be victims too. Healthcare workers are not immune. This guide is for you, and for the friends and colleagues you might help.
If you are in immediate danger, call your local emergency number.
What healthy love looks like
- Respect: your opinions, feelings and boundaries matter, even in disagreement.
- Trust: you can have friends, colleagues and interests without being accused or interrogated.
- Honesty and open communication, including about money.
- Equality: decisions are made together; neither partner controls the other.
- Safety: you never feel afraid of your partner’s reactions.
- Support for each other’s goals, including your career, studies and plans to work abroad.
- Arguments happen, but they are about issues, not about putting you down, and they end in repair.
Red flags of control and abuse
Abuse isn’t only physical. It often starts with control that is easy to mistake for love or jealousy:
- Checking your phone, demanding passwords, tracking your location.
- Isolating you from friends, family or colleagues; resenting your night shifts or work friendships.
- Extreme jealousy, accusations of cheating with doctors or colleagues.
- Put-downs, humiliation, name-calling, mocking your work or education.
- Controlling money: taking your salary, demanding your bank access, stopping you from working or studying, running up debts in your name.
- Threats to hurt you, themselves, your children, or to “expose” you.
- Pressure or force around sex.
- Physical violence: pushing, slapping, hitting, strangling (non-fatal strangulation is a strong predictor of future homicide).
- You feel you’re walking on eggshells, or you change your behaviour to avoid their anger.
Financial abuse and nurses
Nurses often earn a steady income, and those working abroad may earn far more than family at home. That can make them targets for financial control: a partner who insists all salary goes to them, blocks access to accounts, or pressures them into loans. Having your own bank account and knowing your finances is not a lack of love; it is a basic protection. See our guide on money and marriage.
Why it’s hard to leave
Fear, financial dependence, children, immigration status (especially for people on dependant visas), religious or family expectations, stigma, and hope that things will change all keep people in harmful relationships. None of these mean the person is weak. Leaving can also be the most dangerous time, so safety planning matters.
Getting help safely
- Tell someone you trust: a friend, family member, colleague, manager, faith leader or your GP.
- Contact domestic violence services or helplines in your country. Many offer confidential advice and safety planning.
- Make a safety plan: important documents (passport, certificates, licence), some money, a phone, and a safe place to go.
- Use work support: many employers have domestic abuse policies, occupational health and employee assistance programmes.
- Immigration: some countries, including the UK, have special routes for people on spousal or dependant visas who experience domestic abuse. Seek specialist advice.
- Report to the police if you choose; keep records of incidents.
If a colleague is being abused
Notice changes: bruises, anxiety about phone calls, a partner who turns up at work, sudden isolation. Ask privately and gently: “I’ve noticed you seem worried. Is everything okay at home?” Listen without judging, don’t pressure them to leave, and help them find support. See our safeguarding guide.
More on love and relationships: Dating as a nurse · Keeping your marriage strong through shift work
Based on WHO violence against women fact sheets and guidance on responding to intimate partner violence. If you are in danger, contact emergency services or a local domestic violence service.