You talk every day. You’ve met some of each other’s friends. You spend nights together after your shifts. But when someone asks, “Is he your boyfriend?” or “Are you two together?”, you don’t know what to say. Welcome to the situationship: a romantic or sexual connection with no clear label, no commitment and often no shared understanding of where it’s going.
Situationships aren’t automatically bad. Sometimes both people genuinely want something casual. But for many people, especially those who want marriage, children or a stable partner, an undefined relationship can quietly eat up months or years and a lot of emotional energy.
Signs you’re in a situationship
- You’ve never had a conversation about being exclusive.
- Plans are usually last-minute, and rarely include weekends, holidays or family events.
- You don’t know if they’re seeing other people, and you’re afraid to ask.
- They avoid the topic of the future, or change the subject when you raise it.
- You haven’t been introduced to their close friends or family, or have been introduced only as a “friend”.
- Communication runs hot and cold: lots of attention one week, silence the next.
- You feel anxious more often than secure.
Why situationships are so common now
- Dating apps create a sense of endless options, which can make people slow to commit.
- Busy lives and shift work make it easy to drift along without big conversations. Two nurses on opposite rotas may barely see each other long enough to discuss the future.
- Uncertain futures: many young nurses are planning to move abroad, and commitment can feel risky when one of you might relocate.
- Fear of rejection: asking “what are we?” risks hearing an answer you don’t want.
- Different goals: one person may enjoy the closeness without the responsibility.
First, ask yourself what you want
Before you talk to them, get clear with yourself:
- Do I want an exclusive relationship with this person?
- Am I looking for marriage in the next few years?
- Would I be happy if things stayed exactly as they are for another year?
- What am I not willing to accept?
If you’d be content with something casual, that’s valid, as long as it’s genuinely your choice and not something you’re tolerating while hoping they’ll change.
How to have the “define the relationship” talk
- Choose the right time. Not by text, not when either of you is exhausted after a night shift, and not in the middle of an argument. A calm, private moment works best.
- Speak for yourself. “I really enjoy spending time with you, and I’ve realised I want something more committed” is clearer and less threatening than “Why won’t you commit to me?”
- Ask a direct question. “How do you see us?” or “Are you looking for a relationship with me?” Then stop talking and listen.
- Listen to the actual answer. “I’m not ready for anything serious right now” usually means exactly that. Don’t translate a “no” into a “maybe later”.
- Be clear about your boundaries. “I’m not comfortable continuing like this if we want different things” is honest and fair.
- Give space if needed, but not forever. It’s reasonable for someone to need a few days to think. It’s not reasonable to keep you waiting for months.
Possible outcomes
They want the same thing
Wonderful. Talk about what commitment means to you both: exclusivity, meeting families, how you’ll handle distance or future moves, and what you each expect.
They want something casual
Thank them for their honesty. Then decide whether casual works for you. If it doesn’t, it’s kinder to yourself to step away, even though it hurts.
They avoid answering
Vagueness is an answer. If someone repeatedly can’t or won’t tell you where you stand, believe their behaviour.
Protecting your health and wellbeing
- Sexual health: in a non-exclusive arrangement, use condoms and get tested regularly for HIV and other sexually transmitted infections. Consider HIV PrEP if appropriate. Nurses know this, but it’s easy to let guard down in an emotional connection.
- Emotional health: notice if you’re constantly checking your phone, losing sleep or feeling worse about yourself. Those are signs the situation is costing you too much.
- Your time: if you want marriage and children, time matters. You’re allowed to protect it.
- Your friends: don’t let a situationship isolate you. Keep investing in friendships and interests.
Letting go
Ending a situationship can be surprisingly painful because the grief isn’t always recognised by others. “But you weren’t even together” doesn’t make the loss less real. Allow yourself to feel it, limit contact (it’s very hard to move on while still sleeping together or texting daily), and lean on people who care about you.
You deserve a relationship where you don’t have to guess how someone feels about you. Asking “what are we?” isn’t being demanding. It’s respecting yourself enough to want clarity.