Few experiences are as painful as losing a pregnancy or a baby. Miscarriage is common, affecting a significant proportion of known pregnancies, and stillbirth still affects millions of families each year worldwide, mostly in low- and middle-income countries. Nurses and midwives support grieving parents at work, but when it happens in their own lives, even professional knowledge doesn’t protect from the grief. Couples often find that they grieve differently, which can create distance at a time they most need each other.
Different ways of grieving
- One partner may want to talk, cry and remember; the other may withdraw, keep busy or focus on practical tasks.
- The partner who carried the pregnancy also experiences physical recovery, hormonal changes and sometimes trauma from the birth or procedures.
- Partners (often fathers) may feel they must “be strong” and hide their grief; their loss is often overlooked by others.
- Grief comes in waves, sometimes triggered by due dates, anniversaries, or seeing other babies.
Different isn’t wrong. Understanding this helps couples avoid thinking “you don’t care” or “you’re not coping”.
Supporting each other
- Ask: “What do you need from me today?”
- Share memories, even small ones, if you both want to.
- Allow each other space when needed.
- Mark the loss in a way that feels right: naming the baby, a memory box, a ceremony, a tree.
- Accept practical help from family and friends.
- Avoid blame. Most miscarriages and many stillbirths are not caused by anything either parent did.
Family and community responses
In some cultures, pregnancy loss isn’t openly discussed, mothers may be blamed, or couples are told to “move on” quickly or “try again”. Some comments, though well meant, hurt. It’s okay to set boundaries: “We’re not ready to talk about that.” Partners should protect each other from blame. See family pressure and in-laws.
Returning to work
For nurses and midwives, returning to work in maternity, neonatal or paediatric settings can be especially hard. Talk to your manager about a phased return or temporary redeployment, and use occupational health and counselling. Many countries now offer bereavement leave for pregnancy loss or stillbirth; check your entitlements.
Intimacy afterwards
Physical closeness may feel comforting to one partner and difficult for the other. Go at the pace of the person who needs more time. Hugging and holding each other can maintain closeness without pressure.
Another pregnancy?
Decide together and in your own time, with medical advice about any investigations or recommended intervals. A subsequent pregnancy often brings anxiety; specialist antenatal support can help.
When grief becomes overwhelming
If either partner experiences persistent depression, anxiety, flashbacks, or thoughts of self-harm, seek professional help. Bereavement charities and support groups for parents exist in many countries.
Related: Miscarriage care · Supporting a partner with depression · When should we have children?