December is supposed to be joyful, but for many couples it’s also one of the most stressful months of the year. There are travel plans, family expectations, gifts, money worries and, for nurses, the annual battle over who works Christmas, Boxing Day and New Year. Without a plan, these pressures can lead to arguments, resentment and exhaustion.
Early November is the perfect time to sit down together and plan. Here’s how.
1. Start with the rota
If one or both of you are nurses, the off-duty will shape everything. Many wards ask staff to request festive leave early, and fairness rules often mean that if you had Christmas off last year, you may work it this year.
- Check deadlines for festive leave requests and submit early.
- Share your rotas as soon as they’re published.
- If you can’t both be off, choose which day matters most to you as a couple (Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, Boxing Day or New Year’s Eve) and protect that.
- Remember that celebrating on a different day is still celebrating. A “Christmas” on 27 December can be just as special.
2. Decide whose family, and when
“Whose family do we visit?” is one of the most common sources of festive conflict. Options include:
- Alternating years: his family this year, hers next year.
- Splitting the season: one family at Christmas, the other at New Year.
- Hosting: invite both families to you.
- Staying home: especially if you’re exhausted, have a new baby or are working. It’s okay to have a quiet celebration of your own.
Whatever you decide, decide together first, then tell families as a united team. Each partner should break news to their own relatives.
3. For couples abroad: travel home or not?
For nurses working in the UK, US, Ireland, Canada or the Gulf, December often brings the question: “Are we going home this year?” Flights are expensive, leave is limited, and families may expect gifts and support.
- Compare the real costs: flights, gifts, money expected by relatives, time off work.
- Consider travelling at a less expensive time and celebrating via video call in December.
- If you do travel, agree in advance on a budget for gifts and family support.
- Check your visa and passport status well before travelling.
- If one partner can travel and the other can’t, plan how you’ll still connect.
4. Set a festive budget
Money is a major source of stress in December, and January bills can be painful. Agree on:
- A total budget for gifts, food, travel, outfits and celebrations
- How much to spend on each other, and on children
- Financial support for extended family
- Church, mosque or charity giving
Avoid putting the festive season on credit cards or loans you can’t repay. Consider a “secret Santa” approach for large families instead of buying for everyone.
Festive preparation often falls disproportionately on one partner, usually women. Before December, divide the tasks: shopping, cooking, cleaning, wrapping gifts, organising travel and caring for children. This is especially important if one partner is working long shifts.
6. Manage family expectations
Family gatherings can bring old tensions: questions about marriage, children, careers, money or why you haven’t visited. Prepare together:
- Agree on topics you won’t discuss and how you’ll change the subject.
- Have a code word or signal if one of you needs rescuing from a conversation.
- Plan breaks: a walk, a drive, or time in your room.
- Set a limit on how long you’ll stay.
7. Protect time for the two of you
Between the rota, family and church activities, couples can go weeks without real time together. Plan at least one festive date: a meal out, a carol service, a walk to see the lights, or a quiet night in with a film and your favourite food.
8. Be kind to the one who is working
Working Christmas on a ward can be meaningful, but it’s also hard to miss family celebrations. If your partner is on shift:
- Pack them a special meal or treat.
- Send photos and messages during the day.
- Save gifts and celebrations for when they’re home.
- Make sure they can rest after nights.
9. Remember not everyone finds December happy
For people who have lost loved ones, are struggling with infertility, are far from home or are going through relationship problems, the festive season can be painful. Be gentle with each other and with yourselves. Mark losses if you wish, perhaps by lighting a candle or sharing memories.
A quick planning checklist
- Festive leave requested and rotas shared
- Family plans agreed and communicated
- Travel booked (or decided against)
- Budget set
- Tasks divided
- One couple date planned
A little planning now can turn December from a season of stress into a season of togetherness, whatever day you end up celebrating.